my life turns crazy for a while

i dont know how to describe my feeling rite now.given chance to drive my life properly but i misused it.now i live in trouble that i created it myself.haisshh...now i start to think bout the future.for what reason i am being here and why i cant be the "man"..for the short term life i have gone through it and i feel it..i enjoyed it.but it is juz for a moment.now its shock me for a while and i cannot stop thinking bout it.it is a very horror nightmare..hunting me all night long.where should i be after this?where is my route?i'm struggling for a long-term-happy-ending life..is it affordable?or it is juz dream.i'm trying not to be my-real-self.I'M ALONE!!! ..i am an independent man!! put it in my head!!i'm opening my eyes widely to see what is happening outside there.and of course there is lots of obstacles!!challenges!!